Decisions
by SeNedra
Summary: A tag to The Lost Tribe, Jennifer’s POV. Why did she tell Ronon what she did? Contains spoilers for season five obviously. Angst!


_A tag to The Lost Tribe, Jennifer's POV_

_So, why did she tell Ronon what she did? That was driving me crazy after analyzing it again and again. Some ideas are shamelessly stolen form others on Doctor and The Wild Man Thread. Thanks girls. Hope you enjoy, feedback is very welcome!_

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All afternoon she was trying to convince herself that it was the best for her. If she was honest with herself, it was much longer. But that day, she firmly decided. She had all sorts of reasons to do it, but to collect the strength and finally face him was much more difficult than she could imagine. She was reminded herself that she is doing it for both of them. It could never work.

After all that happened on the Daedalus, she must have admitted to herself that Ronon was too different and still mysterious for her. He had a tendency to solve everything with his muscles and a gun. That was one of the things she would never get used to. It was true that opposites attract but in this case it was just too much.

She was afraid of letting someone like him get closer. He had been around her for the past few days, and she was enjoying that. But you can't build a relationship just on the attraction. She had a bad experience with it and the last thing she wanted was her heart broken again. That would probably happen with Ronon sooner or later.

On the other hand, Rodney was nice and easy to get along with. And, as she found a few weeks ago, he was hopelessly in love with her. Of course she was flattered. Who wouldn't be? He was one of the most intelligent people on the Earth (and also in Pegasus Galaxy) and she liked him a lot. She could love him. She hoped. And she definitely could be sure about him.

She knew she would never forget the day she came home and found just a short letter on the kitchen table. She should have been getting married, but her finance left her a week before the wedding. That day, her world broke into pieces and she started to work even more. A year later she took the opportunity to go to Atlantis, and she was still protecting herself from more disappointment. During her moments with Ronon, while they were locked in the infirmary, she almost lost her mind again, but they were interrupted and she wasn't sure if she should have been grateful or angry.

Ronon didn't show almost any interest in her in the previous months and she had the feeling that he wanted to forget about it completely. It took her a while, but she came to terms with it. And what did he do? He started to show up everywhere she was! She would give anything to know what he wanted. He was friendly to her, but he was always friendly to everyone.

The events on Daedalus proved what she thought from the beginning. Even if he cared about her in more than just a friendly way, it wouldn't work. Rodney was a perfect excuse. And who knows, she was really determined to give it a chance. She would be safe with him and that was what she should want. This wasn't the time to fall in love foolishly again. She was decided she could be happy with Rodney after all.

She got the chance to tell Ronon sooner than she thought actually. Honestly, she wasn't ready to do that, but she knew she would never be. But she reminded herself for the hundredth time that she has no clue if he is interested in her. It was possible that she was misinterpreting his actions. And even if he truly were interested, it would be better for him anyway.

She met him in the corridor and he followed her to ask if she didn't want to go get something to eat. That was a great opportunity to tell him. She knew she would curse herself later, if she didn't. She told him how glad she was that he went to the Daedalus with her and he smiled. Dammit, the smile made it much more difficult. He had such an adorable smile…

"I just want to be clear," she started, shaking inside.

He never stopped gazing at her and that didn't help either.

"I want you to know… I am kind of interested in somebody else." It was out. She glanced at him, not sure what reaction she should wait for and what she would want. One part of her was screaming that she is crazy and she is destroying her chance to be happy, but she ignored it.

"So…" he replied with unreadable expression. Not even his voice showed any emotions.

"I just didn't wanna give you the wrong..."

"I just... wanted to get something to eat." Still no change in his expression. She felt very awkward. Yeah, she probably did right. On hundred percent she did right.

"Ok, because I thought..."

"You're wrong," he finished. She should be glad that he said that. She should because she was the one who started. So why did it hurt so much? She tried to focus. Finally she forced herself to smile but she was sure it must have looked very unnatural.

"Do you still wanna go..." She said, because she couldn't come up with anything more intelligent. Now she will have to pretend that nothing happened and that she is all right.

"No, I should... I should probably..." He didn't know what to say.

She stared at him in shock; the smile froze on her lips. She couldn't believe what she saw and what she just did. He was hurt. He looked broken for a moment and then he just left cause he couldn't stay with her anymore She was just watching him and wasn't able to move or talk. She tried to protect herself but she wasn't thinking about him at all. Now she saw that he wasn't playing any games with her, but she couldn't take her actions back.

She didn't know how she got to her room. She lay down on the bed and finally let the tears fall down. She was so blind and stupid. What if she just lost him? Why didn't she think? She wanted to run back to him and tell him everything, but it would be useless. He already lost his wife; why he would he even try a relationship with someone who started out lying to him? What if he won't listen to her? And could they be at least friends like now? Would he trust her ever again? She had too many questions on her mind but one was torturing her at most. What if it was too late?


End file.
